la douleur exquise

la douleur exquise 

( the heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable)

How I ended things that haven’t even started.

We’ve heard of this story before. How you stupidly fell for a guy who you thought liked you. How he made you believed in the possibility of the word “US” even though you knew that it would just end in a painful way but you held on anyway. Hoping that someday, that very little chance of “US” would defy the impossibility behind it. But the thing is, it didn’t. You can name a lot of reasons why but mainly, maybe because that thing you had with him was just pure innocent fun (his view).

But this is not that story where you destroy his name then tell the world the "they are all the same" line, just because he broke your heart. Yes, you hate him but at the same time, maybe still loves him, but you can never really blame him for every pain you are feeling right now. It was never his fault on why you fell for every romantic gesture he made towards you. He’s no superhero that can read minds and know that you are slowly falling for him. Maybe he likes you but as a friend. And those sweet things he did to you was never really meant to hurt you, but to make you feel that you are loved by a companion.. by a friend. Maybe you just interpreted those things in a different way. That’s where it hurts the most..when you over think things, when you fantasize a world with you two in it. So you stopped talking to him, which doesn't even change a thing. Then you started questioning yourself, "Will the pain stop or will the feeling of missing him just worsen it?". But that’s really how pride works, you try everything just to move on. You watch those scary movies to disturb you, you clean your room, you listen to Taylor swift’s songs, you go to church more, and go out with your friends more often than usual. “21 days”, your friend told you. 21 days to accept reality and move on. But you know that that's not possible or maybe it is but it won't be that easy because deep in your heart, it will take more than that, but you gave it a shot anyway. Once again, this is not that story where the guy is the villain and you’re the damsel in distress. This is the story of how the princess rescued herself from the tower that she locked herself into. Maybe you just need to feel the pain in order to be happy again. Everything has its own side effects and maybe pain’s side effect is not sadness but rather happiness. Just let those midnight thoughts pass by. Cry but not too much. Seek for happiness and someday, the time would come where you'll need to lessen your pride, talk to that guy to end things, not your friendship but that wonderful fantasized world you’ve created then maybe, be ready to face reality that he can never really be yours. Not that you’re not destined to be together but maybe you’ll find someone better.

It was love, but it was one sided.

  But the best thing here is, you’ve learned your lesson. You’re not stupid nor dumb for falling for a guy who won’t even catch you. Relax, it was just your hormones working, t'was just another way of telling yourself that you’re still human. Just take that time for the pain to fade away. Then one day, somewhere random, you’ll meet someone. It may not be love at first sight but you guarantee that it would be love. And this time, it would not be one sided.

Written by: Lawrence Sentillas

Edited by: Jehdel Abellana

(photo from: We Heart It, from the movie Paper Towns.)